Recently a friend suggested I stop worrying about whether to go to CCRM and just go. I know she was saying this to support our decision to get treatment from CCRM. But her comment made me stop and wonder why has the decision to seek out-of-state treatment been something to worry about?
To me, it's because having to seek treatment out-of-state suggests that we have a real problem. That our IF problems are so serious that no doctor in-state can help us. In other words, we're so broken that we have to be seen by the very best if we hope to get pregs. It means our problems are very real and very serious and very scary. I'm not saying this is all 100% true/accurate but I think that's how it's been feeling to me.
So DH and I are needing some time to wrap our heads around that. It took some time early last year (when we started IF treatment) to mourn that we couldn't get pregs naturally. Last month we needed some time to mourn that DH and I are both CF carriers so it's probably safest that we don't ever even try to get pregs naturally so that we can strive to have a healthy baby (and every time I even say/write that I feel terrible because I know people with CF who are wonderful so I feel just horrible about decisions such as seeking PGD to maximize our chances of implanting non-CF babies). Now I think I'm mourning because we're no longer a "simple" case of unexplained IF.
I know that once I mourn this and DH and I come to terms with CCRM being the best option for us, we'll be back to our usual, strong selves. We've done so at every other step in this journey. In the meantime, I appreciate the patience and support of my wonderful friends and family who've listened as we've talked this through.