I thought I wouldn't need to post until our meeting with CCRM Friday as I assumed that taking a break from TTC this month would mean I wouldn't have much to say (we're taking a break as we're between RE's and have decided to not TTC without medical assistance to ensure best chances of healthy baby).
And this was true during the holidays. Traveling to see family was a wonderful distraction and I found I wasn't thinking about TTC as much. But now we're back and the TTC thoughts have crept back in. Which makes me ask myself what does it mean that I continue to think about this so much even though we are not actively TTC right now. Am I obsessed with TTC? Am I a glutton for punishment? Why can't I let it go and give myself a mental break from it all?
What I've realized is that even when not actively TTC there are still so many reminders that DH and I have been/are working so hard to be able to have a child. There is of course the time spent with friends with babies (which usually doesn't bother me). This weekend we were with friends who have babies and DH and I took turns holding/playing with one of them. Seeing DH playing with the baby and me and thinking about what an amazing father he'll make one day was a bit overwhelming.
But there are also the daily/hourly/minute-ly reminders that creep up on me even when I'm all by myself without blatant baby reminders. Such as all the lifestyle changes I've made to help increase our chances. Like that I now drink tea in the mornings instead of coffee (and I've cut out soda altogether). That my calves were sore all weekend from going back to step class after taking a break from high impact exercise during my (terminated) IVF cycle. Shopping at Whole Foods now for groceries and using organic beauty products and filtered water to decrease my exposure to toxins. And although I'm happy about these changes (well not the sore calves!) because they are not only good for the future baby but good for a healthier me. But they are still new and thus still associated with the baby that we don't have yet.
I guess the plus side is that I'm still saying "yet". Which means I still have hope that CCRM will work for us and give us the baby we've been trying so hard for. But it's amazing to me how TTC really does take over your life. I had no idea before we started TTC just to what extent this happens. But I really can't escape it. It's everywhere. I guess all I can do is continue to take care of myself (physically and emotionally) during this time and continue to try to have other, non-TTC things going on in my life to serve as distractions and/or keep me grounded so that there's more going on with me than just TCC.